I Just Called To Say How Much I Love Telephoned

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've been busy touring with my White Stripes cover band. We're called Cage the Elephant. (Ha! Get it? Because they shamelessly rip off the White Stripes? Ah, we have fun.)



Ever wonder what Jack White would sound like without a workable voice, passable charisma, or Meg? Well, use your imagination. Don't fucking listen to these guys.

Anyways, as I try to remove that from my mind, let me take a minute of your time to tell you about one of the coolest, most kickass dance projects going on right now. They're called Telephoned, and they're sure to perk up your ears, brain, and another body part I'd rather not mention. (Hint: it's the femur. Yuck.)

Telephoned is the brainbaby of DJ Sammy Bananas (wait, come back!) and singer/ all-around badass Maggie Horn. One night, presumably after a wacky series of events best characterized as The Babysitter's Club with Jagerbombs, the duo decided to record a cover of T-Pain's "Can't Believe It." You know, like normal people do.

Literally the epitome of normal.

This led to further collaborations, and now we have Telephoned, like it or not. (Like it.) Basically, the concept is that they recreate Top 40 hits as the coolest indie-dance jams you've heard this week. Note: they don't so much cover these songs as they do reinterpret them. It's kind of like that game Telephone from when you were a kid. (Unless there are any 6-year-olds reading this blog. In which case, I apologize for the above picture of Mr. T-Pain.) In fact, that's where they got there name. Shit, I probably should have said that earlier.

Anyways, what makes Telephoned so truly great, aside from Horn's awesome vocals and Bananas' sleek production, is the fact that these indie mofos actually seem to really love these songs they're covering, and they're not just doing it to make a serious point about how all rap and pop today is a shitty waste of time. No, these are folks who see nothing wrong with doing completely faithful covers of everyone from Jim Jones to Whitney Houston to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

This is your new favorite band.

This is Telephoned.

Guys, I just said that.

Get Telephoned's mixtape, Off The Hook. RIGHT NOW. Please.

In Memoriam: Michael and Michael Have Issues

I'd like to take the time to mourn a great show that was recently cancelled. It's called Michael and Michael Have Issues, and it was created by- and stars- the comedy geniuses Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. You may know them from the comedy troupes The State, Stella, and their own damn funny selves.

Suits, swings, and smarm: the true comedy rule of 3.

Michael and Michael tells the story of two comedy veterans and partners named... wait for it... Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. I know, it's a stretch, but stick with me here. After years of working in show business, they manage to score their own show. Dream come true! Yaaaaaay!

Oh, also, they hate each other's guts.

While this is a pretty simple concept, they manage to turn it into a genius show, mainly because Showalter and Black have excellent chemistry after all these years working together. They also pepper the show with ingenious sketches that bring to mind their classic sketch show The State.

Speaking of The State, I have a theory as to why M&M (ha!) was cancelled. It's called the MIB Rule, and I just made it up 10 minutes ago. The MIB Rule, or Michael Ian Black Rule, is as follows:

If a TV show has Michael Ian Black in a starring role, it will get cancelled. Yeah, that's right, I typed it.

Don't believe me? Well, let's take a quick jaunt through his IMDB page. Oh, but we're gonna have to stop by Staples, because I need to pick up some page dividers. BECAUSE, THAT'S WHY.

• The State: 29 episodes, 3 seasons, 1993-1995

Aaaaah! Help! It's the 90's!

• Ed: 83 episodes, 4 seasons, 2000-2004

I could literally only find one picture of Ed on the internet, and I couldn't
copy it onto here. But hey, Justin Long was in it, so here's him. Being a douche.

• Stella: 10 episodes, 1 season, 2005

Hey, don't knock the system.

"But hey, Julian," you might be saying to your computer screen (which is weird), "Ed was on for 5 years! And The State was on for 3 years! That's not bad, especially for an MTV show."

Well, you weird computer-talker, you're right. That is a long time, especially considering how short-lived so many shows are. However, let's pit the genius of The State (I've actually never seen Ed, so I can't vouch) against another comedy show. Like, say... Two and a Half Men.

• Two and a Half Men: 182 episodes, 8 seasons, 2003- STILL HASN'T BEEN CANCELLED

WHAT? NO! WHAT IS THIS? IS THAT A FUCKING AWARD?!?! NO!!!!

Sure, it might be critically acclaimed, but at the end of the day, it's still lasted for half as many seasons and won less awards than MOTHERFUCKING CHARLIE SHEEN.

Put your goddamn cap back on.

Anyways, this theory is in no way a criticism of Black's talent. In fact, it's a compliment to his immense talent. I believe that the work of Michael Ian Black is just too "high-concept" and "weird" (read: hilarious and awesome) for a lot of viewers to grasp. However, I have an easy, surefire way for Black to stay on air:

The Michael Ian Black 50's Sitcom Theater.

That's right, I propose a show in which Michael Ian Black remakes classic episodes of classic sitcoms from the 1950's. It's perfect! You get comedy legend/bad boy/weird kid in the corner Michael Ian Black and some of his hilarious friends (Joe Lo Truglio, I'm looking at you) recreating everything from I Love Lucy to Welcome Back Kotter.

What's wrong with this picture: not enough $200 pudding.

NBC, I await your call.