My Favorite Things

I know, I know. It's been a while since I posted. I'm not good at things like "responsibility." But I promise, I'm fully committed to updating this here blog more regularly. So come on, internet. Take me back. It's just like that John Cusack movie you love. You know, 2012. I have no idea what this shit is.

First things first: books. I've been reading them, kind of like nobody's business. I've read a lot of good ones recently, but the one I want to focus on is Chuck Klosterman's pop culture opus Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. And no, it's not about Motley Crue.
Because that would suck.
I'm as surprised as you are, Motley Crue.

Anyways, SDACP (not a good band name) is basically a series of essays in which Klosterman does what he does best: riffing on pop culture, and by extension, life as we know it.
Now, I fancy myself a bit of a pop culture nerd. I mean, I didn't name this blog by drawing it out of a hat. Well, I did, but the other prospective names were Pop Culture-y When Wet, Pop Pop Culture-lution, and Gunt. But Chuck Klosterman takes the entire notion of pop culture fandom and turns it on its head, resulting in pop culture being taken away by child services.SDACP covers everything from Pamela Anderson to Saved by the Bell, from Billy Joel to The Sims. He takes everyday things like The Dixie Chicks and explains how they connect with our very own life and existence.

Damn, I'd like to connect with their very own life and existence.

It sounds like heady stuff, but Chuck Klosterman is such an entertaining writer that you don't even realize the profound point he's making until you see an episode of The Real World and have a life-changing experience. The essays in this book are so good, you can consume them like Cocoa Puffs.

Funny, I don't remember licensing pictures of my breakfast.

So go out and get this book. It's like your favorite album, and it's better than sex.

Me and Hollywood Have a Serious Talk

*Note: For this performance only, Hollywood will be played by Sir Ian McKellen.

Hey, Hollywood. Ya got a minute? Come on in. Have a seat. We need to talk about something.

So I just saw Kick-Ass. No, it was actually pretty good. That's not what I want to talk to you about. Before the movie, I noticed a trailer for a little picture called The Expendables. Did you have anything to do with this, Hollywood?



Yes, you. Don't you fucking play dumb with me, Hollywood. I know this was you. I mean, The Expendables?! No one else in their right mind would name an action movie after a 10th grade SAT word.

Now, look. I know things are tough right now. The entire industry's in flux, the Internet's changing how movies are released, and you're worried about all the changes in your future.

But you know what's the wrong way to deal with the modernization of the movie business? Releasing an action movie whose cast is 95% ACTION STARS FROM THE 80'S.

I mean, look at this cast: Sylvester Stallone (Producing, writing, and directing? How did that happen?), Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis, Brittany Murphy, and Arnold Schwarzenegger? GOVERNOR. AHNOLD. SCHWARZENEGGER? Come on, Hollywood! Show some self-restraint! I mean, he's a paid official of the United States government! Sort of! Kinda! Don't think about it too hard!

And Dolph Lundgren? Seriously? We swore as a society to keep him in cryogenic freeze until the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse came, and then he would smother them in his monster pecs. You know that, Hollywood.

And it's not like the rest of the cast is good enough to make up for the Permapalooza that is this movie. I mean, Jason Statham? Jet Li? "Stone Cold" Steve Austin? Just because you saw The Transporter and Lethal Weapon 4 on your flight to Dallas doesn't mean you're an expert on modern cinema. If it did, I would be freakin' Pauline Kael by now. (Film majors, wassup!) No, Hollywood, I wasn't speaking to you just then. It was... and Pauline Kael, and... never mind.

What the hell happened to you, Hollywood?

You used to make good movies. Citizen Kane. Casablancas. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. Movies that spoke to the human spirit.

But now? Now you're stuck making Danny Trejo movies. And not the cool kind, like Machete and Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. The shitty kind, like every other movie Danny Trejo's ever been in.

However, Hollywood, it's not too late to change. You can still go back. It's simple. Just don't release The Expendables. That's all you need to do. Think about it, Hollywood. You can go back to your old ways. You can once again be Armed and Fabulous.

Think about it...

There we go! That's the Hollywood I know and makes me a little bit afraid for my life!

Now let's go home.

The Expendables comes out August 13. Please don't watch it.

I Just Called To Say How Much I Love Telephoned

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've been busy touring with my White Stripes cover band. We're called Cage the Elephant. (Ha! Get it? Because they shamelessly rip off the White Stripes? Ah, we have fun.)



Ever wonder what Jack White would sound like without a workable voice, passable charisma, or Meg? Well, use your imagination. Don't fucking listen to these guys.

Anyways, as I try to remove that from my mind, let me take a minute of your time to tell you about one of the coolest, most kickass dance projects going on right now. They're called Telephoned, and they're sure to perk up your ears, brain, and another body part I'd rather not mention. (Hint: it's the femur. Yuck.)

Telephoned is the brainbaby of DJ Sammy Bananas (wait, come back!) and singer/ all-around badass Maggie Horn. One night, presumably after a wacky series of events best characterized as The Babysitter's Club with Jagerbombs, the duo decided to record a cover of T-Pain's "Can't Believe It." You know, like normal people do.

Literally the epitome of normal.

This led to further collaborations, and now we have Telephoned, like it or not. (Like it.) Basically, the concept is that they recreate Top 40 hits as the coolest indie-dance jams you've heard this week. Note: they don't so much cover these songs as they do reinterpret them. It's kind of like that game Telephone from when you were a kid. (Unless there are any 6-year-olds reading this blog. In which case, I apologize for the above picture of Mr. T-Pain.) In fact, that's where they got there name. Shit, I probably should have said that earlier.

Anyways, what makes Telephoned so truly great, aside from Horn's awesome vocals and Bananas' sleek production, is the fact that these indie mofos actually seem to really love these songs they're covering, and they're not just doing it to make a serious point about how all rap and pop today is a shitty waste of time. No, these are folks who see nothing wrong with doing completely faithful covers of everyone from Jim Jones to Whitney Houston to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

This is your new favorite band.

This is Telephoned.

Guys, I just said that.

Get Telephoned's mixtape, Off The Hook. RIGHT NOW. Please.

In Memoriam: Michael and Michael Have Issues

I'd like to take the time to mourn a great show that was recently cancelled. It's called Michael and Michael Have Issues, and it was created by- and stars- the comedy geniuses Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. You may know them from the comedy troupes The State, Stella, and their own damn funny selves.

Suits, swings, and smarm: the true comedy rule of 3.

Michael and Michael tells the story of two comedy veterans and partners named... wait for it... Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. I know, it's a stretch, but stick with me here. After years of working in show business, they manage to score their own show. Dream come true! Yaaaaaay!

Oh, also, they hate each other's guts.

While this is a pretty simple concept, they manage to turn it into a genius show, mainly because Showalter and Black have excellent chemistry after all these years working together. They also pepper the show with ingenious sketches that bring to mind their classic sketch show The State.

Speaking of The State, I have a theory as to why M&M (ha!) was cancelled. It's called the MIB Rule, and I just made it up 10 minutes ago. The MIB Rule, or Michael Ian Black Rule, is as follows:

If a TV show has Michael Ian Black in a starring role, it will get cancelled. Yeah, that's right, I typed it.

Don't believe me? Well, let's take a quick jaunt through his IMDB page. Oh, but we're gonna have to stop by Staples, because I need to pick up some page dividers. BECAUSE, THAT'S WHY.

• The State: 29 episodes, 3 seasons, 1993-1995

Aaaaah! Help! It's the 90's!

• Ed: 83 episodes, 4 seasons, 2000-2004

I could literally only find one picture of Ed on the internet, and I couldn't
copy it onto here. But hey, Justin Long was in it, so here's him. Being a douche.

• Stella: 10 episodes, 1 season, 2005

Hey, don't knock the system.

"But hey, Julian," you might be saying to your computer screen (which is weird), "Ed was on for 5 years! And The State was on for 3 years! That's not bad, especially for an MTV show."

Well, you weird computer-talker, you're right. That is a long time, especially considering how short-lived so many shows are. However, let's pit the genius of The State (I've actually never seen Ed, so I can't vouch) against another comedy show. Like, say... Two and a Half Men.

• Two and a Half Men: 182 episodes, 8 seasons, 2003- STILL HASN'T BEEN CANCELLED

WHAT? NO! WHAT IS THIS? IS THAT A FUCKING AWARD?!?! NO!!!!

Sure, it might be critically acclaimed, but at the end of the day, it's still lasted for half as many seasons and won less awards than MOTHERFUCKING CHARLIE SHEEN.

Put your goddamn cap back on.

Anyways, this theory is in no way a criticism of Black's talent. In fact, it's a compliment to his immense talent. I believe that the work of Michael Ian Black is just too "high-concept" and "weird" (read: hilarious and awesome) for a lot of viewers to grasp. However, I have an easy, surefire way for Black to stay on air:

The Michael Ian Black 50's Sitcom Theater.

That's right, I propose a show in which Michael Ian Black remakes classic episodes of classic sitcoms from the 1950's. It's perfect! You get comedy legend/bad boy/weird kid in the corner Michael Ian Black and some of his hilarious friends (Joe Lo Truglio, I'm looking at you) recreating everything from I Love Lucy to Welcome Back Kotter.

What's wrong with this picture: not enough $200 pudding.

NBC, I await your call.

The First Post

Hey, you. Yes. You. In the clothes. With the face. My name's Julian, but you didn't hear that from me. Wait- you did. Remember that. There'll be a test on it later.

If you're reading this, then it probably means one of 3 things:


1. You know me personally, and I told you I have a blog. You tracked it down so you can comment on every post in an effort to get me to pay back the money I owe you, which I won't.


2. You were randomly looking through blogs on this site and happened upon mine. In which case, welcome to the blog, and find a hobby.

3. You're a pop culture afficianado/addict/obsessively analyzes promos for your favorite shows in an attempt to find a deeper meaning- just like me. If you're looking for awesome writing, interesting posts, and extremely nerdy dissections of everything from the newest Judd Apatow flick to the latest album by Ghostface Killah to the wacky antics of the gang on The Big Bang Theory, then you've come to just the right place. Don't step on the carpet. It's my grandfather's. He will kick my ass if it gets dirty.

Anyways, welcome to Pop Culture with Glasses. Hope you find something you like.


Oh, did I not mention that I'm Lady Gaga?

That's important. Come to think of it, I probably should have mentioned that from the get-go.