Me and Hollywood Have a Serious Talk

*Note: For this performance only, Hollywood will be played by Sir Ian McKellen.

Hey, Hollywood. Ya got a minute? Come on in. Have a seat. We need to talk about something.

So I just saw Kick-Ass. No, it was actually pretty good. That's not what I want to talk to you about. Before the movie, I noticed a trailer for a little picture called The Expendables. Did you have anything to do with this, Hollywood?



Yes, you. Don't you fucking play dumb with me, Hollywood. I know this was you. I mean, The Expendables?! No one else in their right mind would name an action movie after a 10th grade SAT word.

Now, look. I know things are tough right now. The entire industry's in flux, the Internet's changing how movies are released, and you're worried about all the changes in your future.

But you know what's the wrong way to deal with the modernization of the movie business? Releasing an action movie whose cast is 95% ACTION STARS FROM THE 80'S.

I mean, look at this cast: Sylvester Stallone (Producing, writing, and directing? How did that happen?), Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis, Brittany Murphy, and Arnold Schwarzenegger? GOVERNOR. AHNOLD. SCHWARZENEGGER? Come on, Hollywood! Show some self-restraint! I mean, he's a paid official of the United States government! Sort of! Kinda! Don't think about it too hard!

And Dolph Lundgren? Seriously? We swore as a society to keep him in cryogenic freeze until the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse came, and then he would smother them in his monster pecs. You know that, Hollywood.

And it's not like the rest of the cast is good enough to make up for the Permapalooza that is this movie. I mean, Jason Statham? Jet Li? "Stone Cold" Steve Austin? Just because you saw The Transporter and Lethal Weapon 4 on your flight to Dallas doesn't mean you're an expert on modern cinema. If it did, I would be freakin' Pauline Kael by now. (Film majors, wassup!) No, Hollywood, I wasn't speaking to you just then. It was... and Pauline Kael, and... never mind.

What the hell happened to you, Hollywood?

You used to make good movies. Citizen Kane. Casablancas. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. Movies that spoke to the human spirit.

But now? Now you're stuck making Danny Trejo movies. And not the cool kind, like Machete and Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. The shitty kind, like every other movie Danny Trejo's ever been in.

However, Hollywood, it's not too late to change. You can still go back. It's simple. Just don't release The Expendables. That's all you need to do. Think about it, Hollywood. You can go back to your old ways. You can once again be Armed and Fabulous.

Think about it...

There we go! That's the Hollywood I know and makes me a little bit afraid for my life!

Now let's go home.

The Expendables comes out August 13. Please don't watch it.